For me 'Depression' is like cancer an insidious disease that must be thwarted but there are days such as this where I find it difficult to beat it down. My usual waking prayer, the beautiful sound of the local birds going about their early morning ablutions in the tree tops as I meditate on all the good in this wonderful world. Finally after 30-60 minutes of preparation I spring out of bed with a purposeful heart full of thanksgiving..... only today my spring was more of a stumble.
Thursday I had decided to increase my fitness regime since I was feeling quite normal, a lot like the old me... hmmm too much confidence is not a good thing. I went for a jog 300 metres, at an even pace followed by a double dose of my cardio vascular workout, most of you will laugh at these figures as they appear ridiculously low however 2 years ago I couldn't walk 5 metres unaided after my 15th heart attack so I was feeling especially pleased with myself.... again anything in excess is not a good thing.
Yesterday I was a little stiff, sore and sorry for myself but is was all physical whereas today I'm fighting my state of mind, emotions and the physical aches and pains. Why am I writing this down, because I often do to get it out of my system then I simply delete it and write about something positive. But today I think I'll share this. Why? I'm asking myself, ... don't know but I feel I should.
The last 7 years have been exceptionally stressful for a variety of reasons and whilst every one of them has been out of my control, the decision to fight our way back thus prolonging this agony, has been mine and mine alone. Finally I have capitulated and allowed our company and trust 'Rhodesia Holdings Pty Ltd ATF Rhodesia Holdings Trust' to be placed in liquidation and wound up. This was decided last June and we had worked to eliminate all debt especially those small businesses that could be effected by our demise to ensure that our departure would be no more than a ripple to any creditor. Immediately we made that known to our creditors every man and his dog appeared to become carrion, all looking to see what they could strip away and get away with. Leased and Chattel Mortgaged equipment was returned to the respective creditors for auction or sale and that was an eye opener when 12 month old $80K equipment was sold for $500 and I was presented with a bill for the balance. Funny how no matter how hard I looked I could never find second hand equipment for under 80% of it's RRP. For the most part I have been able to remain fairly positive by concentrating on the things in life that have real value such as family, friends and art, my main passion. What I love most about art, I don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.... I can be free. This thought usually helps lift my spirit to dizzying heights.
Each Friday for the last 3 weeks however I have received a letter from my accountant advising that solicitors appointed by the ATO to wind up the company and trust have sought a High Court continuance for another week. Liquidators were appointed 4 weeks ago so I don't understand the delay. No I don't want to follow up with anyone as this would mean I have to get into it again and if I do that I will want to fight for it again and that I know that I know I will not survive!
So today I am pretty depressed but I will continue to look at everything with gratitude for the privilege of being here. My God is an awesome God and he has a plan for me, I have no idea what it is but I do know that it is a good plan.
Now I must go and help someone, tis the only way to beat this depression down today.
Till next time, Take care and God Bless.